Today has marked the end of a challenging week. I am currently staying with my dad’s family in West London, which has taken a major toll on my mental health. It’s almost as if I revert back to being that angsty child, around fifteen, sixteen, and I find myself in these sort of self-indulgent moods for hatred and loneliness.
“Visiting London.”
It’s different when you visit family, or if you’re popping by to say hello, to have dinner. But when it’s the third week there and you feel there’s no room for you, where you find yourself almost avoiding people in the house (for fear of judgement, or confrontation, or just lack of interest), and you just find yourself kicking a can around in hopes that some angelic presence shall come and rescue you from the monotonous living.
Currently, I am not really looking for work. I’m stuck in a hiatus mode, where I’m neither trying to make myself alive whilst in London, nor am I really making any plans to better myself productivity-wise. I’ve enrolled in writing courses, working on little projects here and there, and have ideas, but I’m not really executing anything. I’m caught up with excuses like needing my own space, or needing to be alone, or needing this or that. But essentially, when I get quiet enough and I stop distracting myself with “doing” and simply be, I realise just how dark life around me. How similar it is to a void, how “on the precipice” it feels. Like at any moment, a cataclysmic comet shall penetrate the Earth’s core, shattering all of this into a brisk nothingness. How it all seems ironically foolish. But I believe this is just egoism, because I must wonder, why does it matter regardless? Surely I can pursue writing, or music, or game development regardless if the world is ending? Why does this sense of void emptiness have to put a stop to trying things out? To continue living?
“Artist’s Date.”
More than a year ago, I used to live in East London. I was a software engineer who occasionally had depressive episodes, and then would drink heavily. I would always start any relapse in secret, hiding it from my ex-partner, hiding it from the world. Eventually I would discover Eckhart Tolle’s Power of Now, as well as the Wim Hof Method. This kickstarted my journey towards spirituality, and towards better well-being and believing in something bigger than myself. It was a revelation, a healing exit. I, like with many of my hobbies, dove straight into the realm of mindfulness, of Buddhism & Yoga, of finding my soul. From this I decided to attend a Vipassana Retreat, in the United Kingdom. Ten day retreat that focused on sitting, breathing, and directing your attention around your body. I had changed when I left the retreat. Maybe I was a tad psychotic, maybe I was supposed to change drastically. After that retreat, I decided to leave my relationship of ten years, quit my job, leave London, and pursue the path of finding Truth.